Them – “Oh, you’re a writer?”

Brain – “We’ve all been asked this question before, and there’s that slight tilt of the head to make me feel even more uncomfortable. We all know the follow-up question…sigh.”

 

Them – “Oh, what’s your book about?”

Guess what! All of those painstakingly grueling hours you spent at your computer slamming out draft after draft of synopsis and summaries just flew out the window my friend because you are completely speechless. The hamster has ceased to run and your brain truly resembles a pile of cold spaghetti.

 

Them – “No, it’s fine, I can tell you’re busy right now.”

Brain – “Gee thanks, remember to ask me when I see you again and I’m not at work, or when we aren’t about to watch a movie, or at a party, or literally anywhere else. You know what – here just go to my website, it will tell you everything you need to know because apparently, this writer has no idea how to speak to another person.”

 

Them – “Is your book out yet?”

Brain – “So you assumed that I wasn’t published. What made you think that? Is it because I work a day job? Is it because I have a sign stapled to my forehead reading “Unpublished Hopeful?” Is it because I don’t come across as “writerly” enough for you?”

Them – “Can I read your book, like as a beta reader?”

Me – “Are you gonna finish it?”

Them – “Yeah, if it’s good.”

Me – “Then no.”

Them – “But not everyone is going to like your book.”

Brain – “Then you don’t understand the purpose of beta reading.”

Them – “When is your book coming out?

Me – “When it’s finished.”

Brain – “WHEN IT’S FINISHED! DON’T PRESSURE A WRITER PLEASE! WE UNPUBLISHED FOLK HAVE NO DEADLINES TO WORRY ABOUT, LET US DEVELOP IN PEACE!”

 

Them – “Man if I had time to write a book I’d totally write a book.”

Me – “Heh, right?”

BRAIN – “DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME!? THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!”

 

Them – “When did you start writing? I had no idea that was something you did.”

Me – “I’ve been writing for over seven years.”

Them – “Seven years!? How have I not known this!?”

Brain – “That’s a great question! You comment on most of my Facebook status’s except for the ones I specifically post with regards to my book…”

 

Them – “Can you name a character after me?”

Me – “No, I cannot, because your name is Tanner Simson”

 

Them – “Do you think you’re the next J.K. Rowling?”

Me – “*shrugs* idk about that, but I do what I can.”

Brain – “Yes, yes I do.”

 

Them – “I’ll totally check it out.”

Me – “Sigh, I know you will…just like the last seven billion people before you…”

Brain – “And you totally said that out loud – see how she’s looking at us? You’re an idiot, and she knows, and he knows, and that couple over there knows. Everyone knows, and nobody is going to buy your book because you’re a writer.”

 


William Wassmann

I'm a University of Washington alumni graduating with my Bachelors in Theatre Arts with an emphasis on theatre history. My mission in life is to spread positive energy, encourage my fellow writers to become published authors, and make you cry your eyes out. My favorite part about storytelling is exploring motivations and character interactions, and I believe these to be the mark of a well executed tale.

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